Just A Memory
by RainingStarWars
Summary: It wasn't just the past that haunted Han. It was the fear that it would happen again.


_It was so cold. Far colder than Hoth. That was the only sensation Han had. He could not see anything, no matter how hard he tried. He was certain his eyes were open. Matter of fact, the smuggler was not sure he had even blinked when they lowered him into the carbonation chamber. Whatever had happened, Han knew one thing._

 _He was alive. That was all he needed to feel better. They had not been certain he would even survive the freezing process. Maybe he hadn't. Perhaps he was dead after all? Besides, Han couldn't even tell where he was at. Maybe he was dead..._

 _But no. He couldn't be. Even if he_ was _dead, Han would not allow it. That was a rather stupid thing to think, but he desperately wanted to live. He had to! Leia needed him. At least, Han hoped she did. He mostly couldn't bear the thought of never seeing her again. And Chewie... Han wanted to see him, too._

 _Then there was Luke. Force knows where he had gone off to. Perhaps he was with the Alliance, but with that kid, who knew? Either way, Han wanted to see them all again. If he could just escape this icy hell, he would surely do so. That's what he had to do._

 _Han worked to open his eyes again for perhaps a glint of light, but they were already open. He couldn't even blink, actually. The Corellian tried to reach out his hand, desperately hoping he could grab onto something. What exactly, he did not know, but it was worth a try. However, the second he attempted to move, searing pain shot through his body._

Kriff! _Han tried to shout, but when he tried to move his lips to form the word, more agonizing sensations pulsed through him. As the brunet's heart rate sped up, his body started to ache. He couldn't do anything without being struck with pain. What was happening?_

 _That's when Han realized he had not been breathing. He couldn't breathe. His heart beat faster, making his entire being ache more terribly than he could ever imagine. This was the most horrible thing the smuggler had ever experienced. It was even worse than the torture he had experienced earlier at Cloud City._

 _There was no where he could go; nothing he could do. He was alone and stuck in this terrible prison of carbonite. If he wasn't rescued, Han would feel this way forever. There was no possible way he could adjust to this. The mere minutes he knew he had been trapped in carbonite felt like decades. What would actual decades feel like?_

 _Han's heart was going faster than a speeder, and his body was experiencing so much pain that he couldn't even think. All he could do was try to scream. The Corellian made the movement to do such an action, which only caused more agony to flow through his being._ Let me die! _He was suddenly trying to shout._ By the Force, just let me die!

 _That's when Han felt hands gripping his shoulders._

* * *

"Han!" Luke shouted, shaking his friend by the shoulders intensely. Han did not stop, though. He just continued to scream and shout. Every now and then, the brunet would yell something about wanting to die, making Luke panic even more. Han was in the carbonite still. He just knew it. Luke's voice was merely his imagination. Tricks his mind was playing on him as he suffered alone in his icy prison.

It took what seemed like forever for him to begin calming down. Gradually, the pain Han felt faded. He slowly realized he was no longer aching. However, the smuggler refused to open his eyes or look up. For he feared that if he did, he would only see the eternal darkness that was carbonite. He worried that if he moved, more pain would sear through his body. He heard Luke's voice again, shaking and cloaked with anxiety.

"Han?" the young Jedi asked again, praying for an answer. Han said nothing once more, now noticing he was shaking as furiously as a groundquake. He was still freezing, also, which only made him shiver more. Han took a moment to feel out his surroundings.

He could feel soft covers beneath him. The same ones that he slept with in his bunk on the _Millennium Falcon_. Han also noted that the air was not as cold as he believed it to be. It was actually a rather nice temperature. A pleasently warm temperature; one perfect for a good night of sleep. Was it an illusion? Han hoped not.

The Corellian decided he would look up, although he feared the worst. Han slowly lifted his head, now realizing that his arms were wrapped tightly around his knees, and his face had been buried within them. Sweat and drying tears stuck to his face, and his hair was a scruffy mess. Luke stared at him with his bright blue eyes, which were clouded with worry for his friend.

Han said nothing for a moment, using his ability to beathe again greedily. His lungs were burning. Had he stopped breathing earlier? "K-Kid?" he finally croaked after a few minutes, feeling his body trembling. Luke sighed in relief, leaning back from his position on the bunk and rubbing a hand down his face.

"Thank the Force." Han heard the blond whisper, but he did not react. The brunet was still in shock. He still feared that his consciousness was merely a dream, and that he was still frozen in carbonite. Luke looked up at him again after a moment, noticing the blank expression Han wore. He frowned in concern. "What... What happened?" he asked carefully, hoping not to upset the man.

Han just shook his head slowly, feeling it ache from stress. "I-I..." he muttered, but couldn't finish. He looked around the dark room, making sure it was real once again. Oh, how he wanted it to be real. Luke waited patiently for an answer, understanding that Han needed to calm down.

The smuggler sighed, wiping a hand across his face nervously. He hated when people saw him do something weak like cry or be afraid. It ruined his image as Han Solo. However, he felt less humiliated around Luke or Leia. Perhaps it was because they were such good friends, but he still didn't quite like revealing such vulnerable sides of himself.

"It was a nightmare, wasn't it?" Luke finally asked. When Han didn't speak, he went on. "That's alright. There is nothing to be ashamed of. I used to get them all the time‒"

"It wasn't a nightmare." Han cut him off, staring forward with an almost blank expression. Luke tilted his head, not seeming to understand. The brunet shot him a small glance, one showing no signs of emotion. Only daze. "It was real."

At first, young Skywalker seemed confused. What did Han mean by _It was real_? Then, he realized. It wasn't a dream, because it had actually happened before. Luke nodded slowly, now aware of what the Corellian meant.

"I see..." the blond muttered, looking away for a moment. They were silent for a while, the only sound being Han's ragged breathing. Luke eventually sighed, looking back to his friend. "Do you want to talk about it?" he asked. Han didn't speak again. He looked as if he wanted to say yes, but he also appeared as if he wanted to say no.

The dream ‒ No, the _memory_ still lingered in Han's mind, haunting him. As much as he hated it, he _wanted_ to tell someone about it. Han had been having nightmares about being in Carbonite for months now. He didn't have them every night, thankfully, but that didn't stop the times he did have a dream from making him feel horrible.

Simply thinking about it made the smuggler's heart stop. He dug his nails into his palms, squeezing so hard that he swore it would bring blood. Han welcomed the pain, though. It helped remind him of reality. However, it also made him remember the searing pain that spread through his body every time he tried to move while in Carbonite.

The sensation of being stuck nearly caused him to scream. How did one endure such a thing forever? "It was so cold..." Han found himself saying. He was surprised as the words escaped his mouth, but found that he couldn't stop now that he had begun. "I was freezin' to death. It was also totally dark. I coulda swore my eyes were open, but I still couldn't see for the life of me."

Luke listened closely, blue eyes shining with interest and sympathy. Han stopped, but the young Jedi urged him on. "It's okay. Go on." Han sighed, staring ahead once again with that blank expression. Still, he continued to describe what he had seen.

"I tried to move. I was reachin' my hand out for somethin', but the second I did, I just hurt so bad. Then, when I tried to shout for somebody, that made it even more painful. No matter what I did, it just _hurt_." Han's eyes seemed to unfocus as his voice quieted on the last words. Luke said nothing, taking in the information. He still didn't quite understand what Han was talking about, but whatever it was, it sounded pretty traumatic.

After another few moments of quiet, Luke started to say something else, but Han spoke before the blond could utter a sound. "It was just me, stuck in that frozen hell. I..." the brunet's voice cracked with emotion, and he suddenly couldn't continue. That's when Luke realized what Han was talking about. He saw the glistening of tears in Han's eyes, and when the Corellian blinked them away, he placed a hand on the older man's shoulder.

In a simple touch, Luke could feel all the emotions Han was experiencing flowing into his fingertips through the Force. The amount of fear from his friend was so strong that it took the younger man's breath away momentarily. He didn't think he had ever seen someone so afraid of a memory. It was almost as if Han feared that he would be put back into Carbonite, even though that was absurd. Luke, Leia, and Chewie would never allow such a thing to happen ever again.

"Han, it's alright." Luke comforted, gingerly rubbing the smuggler's shoulder. "It's just a memory. It cannot harm you." Han choked on a sob, throwing a hand over his mouth and resting the other arm across his kness, hand clentched into a painful fist. Warm tears pooled in his eyes, blurring the hazel orbs, before streaming down his face. He squeezed his eyes shut as his hand muffled the sobs.

Luke continued to sit still, rubbing Han's shoulder and silently comforting his friend. After several minutes (Maybe half an hour, actually.) of Han weeping, he eventually pulled away from the blond. He sniffed, wiping his nose and rubbing his red eyes. The brunet gave a small, emotionless laugh before looking away from Luke. "I'm sorry." he sniffed, a sad smile on his face. Luke raised his eyebrows.

"What for?" he asked, clearly confused. Han shook his head wearily.

"For makin' you worry. It was stupid for me to get all upset like that. Just feelin' sorry for myself, I guess." Luke frowned, placing his hand back on Han's shoulder. The Corellian didn't even glance his way. The young Jedi felt a small rush of anger, not knowing why or how. Maybe he was displeased that Han would apologize for releasing his emotions. Yes, that was it. No one should feel bad for being honest with their feelings.

"Han," Luke said, softly yet firmly. "You have no reason to apologize for this. No one is going to judge you for being human. Fear is natural. Although the Jedi were told to learn to control it, sometimes it cannot be helped. We must find a way to release it and not allow it to build within us for too long. Built up fear, anger, and hate... _That_ is what leads to suffering." Han sighed, shaking his head.

"You don't know the galaxy, kid..." he whispered. Luke scowled.

"Perhaps I don't. After all," the blond sighed, turning away. "if I had reached Cloud City sooner, you wouldn't of had to endure Carbonite. Really, this whole scenario is my fault." Han froze, his eyes widening. He slowly turned to face Luke, eyebrows knitting together in shock.

"Wh-What?" he whispered, voice sounding dazed. "You think this is _your_ fault?" Luke nodded, leaning back slightly and crossing his arms.

"Of course." he stated. "I should have gotten to you all sooner. It is all my fault that you must suffer the way you do." Han spun fully around to face the kid now, a look of terror on his face. He was shocked by Luke's statement.

"Kid, that's ridiculous." he scoffed, then thought a moment. "That's _insane_ , actually. There was nothing you could've done. Even if there was, I'm not mad, so don't beat yourself up over it." Luke sat up, looking Han in the eye. The blond was suddenly smiling. Han raised his eyebrows. "What?"

Luke laughed. "See! This is exactly what I mean." Han still looked confused. "Han, I have no reason to feel guilty for not arriving in time to save you, because you forgive me, and, just as you said, there is nothing I could have done. The same applies to you! You have no reason to be upset for being afraid around me, because I do not mind. I understand what it is like to fear the past, so I am not angry that I was awoken during the night to find you frightened. It's okay." the brunet looked away a moment, contemplating what Luke had told him.

After a minute, Luke saw more tears fill the smuggler's eyes. Han's body shook as he hunched over, sobbing into his arms again. Luke looked over his shoulder, concern flooding his blue eyes. Han sat up a moment later, eyes still moist. "'S okay, kid." he coughed. "I'm... I'm better now. Thanks.." Luke smiled, wrapping an arm over Han's shoulders in a brotherly fashion.

Han leaned against the younger man, tears drying to his face. They stayed like that a while. Two brothers, sitting together in the late hours of the night. Eventually, Luke glanced over to his friend. "Do you think you're ready to go back to sleep?" he asked. The Corellian thought about that a moment, but finally shook his head.

"Not really." he mumbled. Luke smiled.

Neither was he.


End file.
